Saturday: Sex "NYC Canine Debauchery, Three Tales"

I was recently told three stories about New York canines and their owners’ sex lives that must be shared.

The first tale concerns my dear friend and neighbor Alice. She and her husband own an Alaskan Malamute. For those who are not familiar, this breed is huge. During a conversation comparing our puppy mishaps, Alice's husband Jesse started telling me how their pup used to get jealous when he would make the moves on his wife. He continued to describe one lovely Sunday morning when he and Alice got frisky in the middle of reading the New York Times. Recklessly shedding their garments, foreplay led them from the kitchen table and living rug to the bedroom; where, their pup Butch joined the disrobing activities. In the heat of the moment, Jesse was vaguely aware of Butch stealing the socks off his feet and figured he’d track them down later. One thing led to another, Jesse and Alice got on with their hanky panky and afterwards- Jesse’s warm and woolly socks were nowhere to be found. They thought it was weird when they couldn’t find them, but things got even stranger when Butch began up heaving a long, dark tar like substance. Jesse reached into the pup’s throat to facilitate a gag reflex when he realized encouraging Butch to purge the mysterious blob might also dislodge the dog’s intestines. It wasn't long before Butch, Jesse and Alice ended up in the emergency room, and Butch required an operation to remove the two socks he had eaten. I told them I had hoped the sex was worth it!

The second anecdote regards my colleague’s sister Sadie who is a sensual forty-something, mademoiselle-esque woman. One evening in January she acquiesced to another night of hot sex with a twenty-five year old engineer graduate student. This would be their third rendezvous, and she knew that her newly fostered puppies would be difficult to contain while she and Trevor “got it on”. She needed a definite strategy. So, near 8:00 p.m. when her young playboy was scheduled to arrive, she gave the dogs meat bones to keep them quiet. The pups began devouring the savory treats as 8:15, 8.30 and then 8:45 p.m. elapsed. Sadie texted Trevor for an E.T.A., and he informed her that he was only just on his way. Knowing the dogs would be bored of chewing by the time he arrived, her plan had failed and she prepared him for the chaos that might ensue. When Trevor reached her apartment, Sadie led him into her candle lit room with blue and gold velvet curtains, and their night of passion began. As she and Trevor got lost in the moment, the dogs began stirring on the other side of the wall. The serene silence was first disrupted by faint whimpers. Then Sadie heard the puppies bust through the gate she had secured and the wild rustling of papers which could only mean their teeth were ripping though pages of magazines, photo albums and binders on the book shelves.  By the time Trevor had unbuckled his jeans, the dogs were racing around the apartment banging into each other, knocking over furniture and yelping- loudly. While Trevor hardly noticed, Sadie confessed that that night was the closest she has ever come to having sex with a pack of wild animals.

The third:  Dan and his girlfriend fell in love and adopted a Boxer and Pit Bull Terrier mix. When they broke up, Dan ended up with his now x-girlfriend’s “so cute, must have” dog, Marilyn. On his first hopeful date since their parting, he was excited when the evening seemed to be leading towards a joint cab ride home to his apartment. The sexual chemistry exploded between Dan and his date, Kelly, as soon as they crossed the front door threshold. Kelly was loudly expressing her and excitement at the spontaneous rendezvous and Dan was fully turned on. Kelly was on the verge of ecstasy when darling Marilyn suddenly hopped onto the bed and plunged her tongue into Kelly's open mouth- we’re guessing because the dog thought her screams meant she was in distress.

Owning two dogs myself, I’ve experienced a similar variety of inconvenient and hilarious interferences. And so I’m convinced and often reminded that keeping animals in this city, in often unusually close and creative living quarters, demands a sense of humor. And you’d better hope those you are sleeping with have one too!   

Meanwhile, for any questions regarding “What the f*ck to do I do with my pets while making love?” and any other canine, work, family, or romance matters—don’t hesitate to contact me at Ask Kat: NYNAskKat@gmail.com and look for answers at Ask Kat!